needs some meaning

Remember the days when the alarm clock in your life is non-existent?
(Well it is there but you pretend it isn't)

Remember the days when the number of showers you take is smaller than the number of days you look in the mirror and think to yourself: "I can pull this hair off for a few more hours. . . now where is my perfume and that headband I love?!"

I've had a few of those days lately.

That is changing.

I NEED to be on a schedule. I just am happier when I have places to go, people to see and reasons to get up run, shower and get dressed. Lately, my work has been somewhat flexible, so I will get up and work from home on my computer, go running at 9 or 10, shower, go visit some schools, go to a meeting, teach some lessons, come home, work some more on the computer, practice my violin, read, waste more time and then go to bed. I don't really love it. I want to be back on a normal schedule that includes a nice long run in the morning (okay long like 5-6 miles), some sort of cleaning done, practicing my violin, working and somehow feeling like I am making a difference in something I do with my time, scriptures read each day and time spent with people instead of just talking to myself all day long.

Oh and I should probably eat and sleep and breathe somewhere in there too. Sometimes those are the hardest things for me to do.

I don't want to just be busy. . . I want to be fulfilled.

needs an audience

I have 2 beautiful, new violins at my house for the next 5 days. . . . and a big, expensive decision to make.

I have been wanting a new violin for a LONG time and finally have narrowed it down to 2 instruments that I really like. . . . and 2 bows that I don't really need but what is another $700 right? (That is only for one of the bows. . . again I have to decide which one I want).

Both of the violins I brought home with me today sound 1ox better than my current violin.
I am kind of attached to the instrument (my German made Kirschnek) that I have had since I was a freshman in college but if I am going to even come close to affording a new instrument I have to trade it in to get credit toward an new instrument so I am prepping myself to be ready to let it go.

(I've been doing a lot of that "letting go" lately, so I should be good at it, but it still seems to be not my favorite thing)

I am not sure that I can even justify buying an instrument at all, but I figure if I am going to pay over $100 a month of lessons I should have something worth playing on. (If not for me, for my teacher who has to listen to me play/squeak out songs for 45 minutes every week.

So, *come on over and I'll play a little something for you on not 1 but 2 violins with 2 different bows. So really you have the chance to hear me play 4 different combination's, and you can give me your honest feedback.

*Note to my sisters. . . if you come I'll even think about cleaning out my closet and you can have first pick at my clothes all for listening to me play. Win-Win situation don't you think?!

Is doing a whole lot. . . .

Look at all the things I am. . . . . .

Making... sugar cookies with cream cheese frosting.
Cooking... up a really great plan for my future.
Reading... The Infidel -- truly fascinating book about women in the Muslim culture.
Wanting... to not feel like crying each morning when I wake up.
Looking...really great in a pink sweater and cute jewelry.
Playing... music on I-tunes.
Wasting... time on this stupid blog post.
Sewing... pioneer hats and skirts for the YW to go on trek (at this rate I should just go to).
Wishing...that I was at a school valentine's day party today. (somehow they always restore my hope in Love)
Enjoying... steamed broccoli.
Waiting... for my taxes to miraculously finish themselves.
Liking... that I have a long weekend ahead hopefully filled with the St. George sunshine.
Wondering... if he is sad at all or just relieved to be done.
Loving... a Friday afternoon to clean my house before the long weekend.
Hoping... after the sugar cookies I eat that I can run at least 3 miles tomorrow without wanting to die.
Marvelling... at the kindness of friends I didn't even know I had.
Needing...to look at the budget. . . not really wanting to.
Smelling... "French Kiss Scensty" -- it's the most action I am getting.
Wearing... a pair of skinny jeans (true. . . not sure if I can leave the house with them on, but I feel great wearing them in my house where nobody can see me)
Following...a plan that is greater than the one I would pick for myself.
Noticing... that my eyes are dry and kind of hurt.
Knowing... that I should be working not blogging.
Thinking... about things I have no control over, but can't seem to stop worrying about.
Bookmarking... websites of races that I think I should sign up for.
Opening... a new chapter of my life.
Giggling... nope, not giggling.
Feeling...a little guarded. Not so sure I will share my true feelings with anyone for a while.

what are you?

is counting on her new shoes

Yep, the new shoes I bought yesterday at Target might be the only saving grace today. I am counting on them to get me through church. Counting on them to make my legs look fabulous. So fabulous that nobody will notice my red, puffy, tear stained eyes.

Glad I bought them.
Sometimes a girl just knows when she might need something like that to help her survive.
I think I just knew.
In fact I have known for a while, but just kept being hopeful.

If only things like happiness and love were so easy to buy. Then I would for sure be in business.

Until then I'll stick to shoes.

Would like to start a donation center

Last weekend I successfully donated blood. This may not seem like a big deal to anyone, but it was monumental for me. The last time I donated blood was when I was in Jerusalem on study abroad (12 years ago). . . and I passed out. Ever since then I have tried to donate blood whenever there is a stake blood drive and I either don't weigh enough or my iron is too low or who knows what.

So, I went last Friday to the Stake Blood Drive expecting them to turn me away. I am sure that they have never seen anyone so excited when they told me I could donate. They even said that I was "fast" Apparently I donated a pint of blood in under 4 minutes. No passing out, no low iron and for sure I weigh enough.

As I got to thinking about it I decided I have a few more things I would like to donate.

Today I would like to donate some tears. They seem to be coming in about a pint at a time (albeit not in under 4 minutes) for me lately. Seriously, someone else can have them and even keep them. They might as well get put to good use, because really all they are doing for me is ruining my makeup and making me lose my appetite. I will gladly save someone else the stress of crying and worrying and crying and wondering and losing all those tears. Have some of mine!

I think I'll start a tear donation center. Pretty sure it would be primarily women who showed up, because it doesn't seem like men really care or cry -- I guess we could donate to them.

Made It

Made it.

To February.

Is January a hard month for anyone else?
There is not one single thing that I really like about January.

The Calendar pictures are not ever really that great for January.
The snow is just plain old dirty in January.
The decorations are snowmen (and in my opinion) not cute.
I can't ever decide what to wear in January . You can't wear bright colors (I don't know why, but you just can't) and wearing black just makes you feel worse -- grey and white are good compromises, but just sort of blah.
In January I worry about my budget (or lack of it).
In January I realize that most of my new years resolutions have quickly gone away in not even 30 days.

February is another story!

Love
Hearts
Red
Pink
Dove Chocolates.

I close my case.
I am so glad that February and I can be friends.